1. If you kill your best friend's dad, it's OK; being best friends is more important than semantic, easy-to-ignore distractions like criminal law and premeditated homicide
2. People with emo haircuts are obviously just evil versions of their normal selves
3. New York, or at least lower Manhattan, is inexplicably full of sand
4. It's OK to walk into a jazz club and yank the singer off stage mid-song. She won't get fired or in trouble or anything, even if the rest of the bar is full of patrons who have paid cover
5. 'Physics' is a bunch of nonsense someone made up in the 1600s hoping to confuse the film industry
6. If an alien life form lands on Earth, no one but a college physics professor played by Dylan Baker will care
7. #6 only applies until the life form inhabits a rubber suit, whereupon it can be defeated through the mostly inexplicable use of either (1) ringing steel tubes or (2) church bells of an obviously different pitch. Jazz arrangements containing a variety of notes, harmonies, and wide range of vibrations won't work, however, and will instead inspire the alien to break into an embarrassing dance number
8. When a superhero gains the ability to shape-shift, he/she will always miraculously shape-shift back into the same outfit. This leads one to wonder if shape-shifting also has a dry-cleaning effect
9. Women, or at least Kirsten Dunst, have no climbing ability whatsoever... especially in those scenes where imbuing a character with realistic physical abilities would inconveniently ruin several plot points
10. The last film in a trilogy must
always have at least two overwrought endings
11. Despite his unquestionable awesomeness, a Bruce Campbell cameo does not rectify Rules 1-10
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Labels: movies
